


A Strange and Wonderful Place

by flurblewig



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-06
Updated: 2010-03-06
Packaged: 2017-10-07 18:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flurblewig/pseuds/flurblewig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You'd think Harmony, coming from Sunnydale and working at Wolfram and Hart, would know better than to say the words 'I wish'...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Strange and Wonderful Place

"Yes, yes, I've got it," said Harmony. "I'll get Lorne to call you." She put the phone down and scribbled a number down on the message pad. "God, that Colin Farrell is so _needy._ So anyway, Sarah, where was I?"

"Susan."

"Okay, whatever. Oh yeah. Angel. He _so_ does not appreciate what I do for him. Does he think all that blood heats itself? Oh, and there was that time with the camel - did I tell you about that? He was _completely_ ungrateful. Just because I have blonde hair and can type a hundred and twenty words per minute, people act like I can't think, you know? It's so unfair. I can -"

"Harmony? Where are the minutes of the meeting with Archduke Sebassis? Didn't I tell you I needed them on my desk this morning?"

Harmony picked up a sheaf of papers and waved them at Angel. "Okay, okay. They're here. I just need to photocopy them, and collate the - "

"Well do it, then. Last time I checked, I don't pay you to sit around gossiping."

As Angel stomped away, Harmony gestured toward the girl leaning on the other side of the desk. "Did you see that? You see what I have to put up with? It's all 'Harmony, where are my minutes? Harmony, where's my blood? Harmony, where's the coffee and goat entrails I ordered for the hordes of low-life demons I treat way better than you?' I bet you don't have to put up with this sort of crap in - uh, what department did you say you work in again?"

"Oh, I work all over the place. Kind of like an independent consultant. Wherever an employee's being mistreated by their boss, there's a job for me. But you're right, my own boss is a pretty decent sort. D'Hoffryn really looks after his girls."

"D'Hoffryn? That rings a bell. Oh, wait - is he the guy Gunn defended on that exhibitionism charge? The demon nudist guy?"

Susan smiled and shook her head. "No, I don't think so."

"Huh. Okay. Well, I'm sure I've heard of him from somewhere. But I'm not surprised he's a better boss than Angel. You know, even Principal Snyder - did I tell you about my high school? Now, those were the days. People noticed me then, all right. So yeah, even evil old Snyder treated me more like a human being than Angel. Well, okay, so technically I'm not a human being, but you know what I mean, right?"

"I do. You just want to be given a chance, right? I bet you wish -"

"That's it. That's it exactly. I just want a chance to show them what I can really do. I mean, okay, I wasn't exactly the world's most successful vampire - although I did have minions once. That should count for something, shouldn't it? I can inspire people, I can make decisions!"

"And you want a chance to show them that."

"Yes! I want to be included in the exciting stuff. Why can't Angel take _me_ on a mission? It's always Spike he goes rushing off with - why not me? I could be useful, if he gave me a chance. I'm strong, I'm good with people - I could help. I just wish I could go with them for once. It'd be great - me, Angel, Spike and - oh, Lorne." She jumped up, waving the piece of paper with Colin Farrell's number on it. "Sorry, Sarah. I won't be a minute."

"It's okay. You already said the magic word. We're done here."

"Huh? I did? We are?"

"Sure." The girl gave her a wide, dazzling smile. "You said 'wish', and I said 'done'."

Harmony clapped her hand to her mouth. "Oh. I didn't say that, did I? Only we're supposed to be real careful about that word. Especially around people we don't really know. I'm sure I have a memo around here somewhere, I - oh."

She broke off as Susan looked back at her with a face that was suddenly distorted and veiny. "Oops."

*

Angel spun round in a circle, staring at the pink desert around him. "What the hell?"

Spike and Lorne stood in place, looking at each other in confusion. Lorne blinked rapidly. "Uh - what just happened?"

Harmony slowed raised her hand. "Um, guys? I think I might know."

Angel rounded on her. "Well?"

"I think I, er, made a wish. You see, there was this new girl - well, I thought she was a new girl but I guess she wasn't really - and we got talking and - and now I think I remember where I heard the name D'Hoffryn before, and -"

Spike stared at her. "You made a wish to a vengeance demon?"

"I didn't know she was a vengeance demon! I thought she worked in accounting."

"Not a great deal of difference there really," said Lorne. "But honestly, sweetcheeks, you - "

Angel took a step forward. "Harmony, there was a memo about this. A _long_ memo. I was very specific about the whole wishing thing."

"I know," said Harmony, looking contrite. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it, she was just - she seemed nice, you know? I thought she was interested. In me."

"Okay, okay," said Spike. "Never mind about any of that. The main thing is, what did you wish for? You weren't talking about feeling - oh, say , _scorned,_ were you? Only I heard Anya's replacement is real literal when it comes to the broken heart stuff. And vampires can't afford to mess about with that kind of thing."

"No, I wasn't talking about anything like that. God, you are so convinced that everything I do has to revolve around you, aren't you? You know, all I -"

Lorne crossed over to her and took her lightly by the shoulders. "Harmony. Come back to the wish, honey. What was the wish?"

Harmony screwed her face up in thought. "Uh - I said that I wished something exciting would happen - that Angel would take me on a mission as well as Spike. And I really just called out your name to tell you that Colin Farrell had been on the phone. Again. I think you kinda got included by mistake." She gave him a small smile. "Sorry."

"Wonderful," said Lorne, releasing her. "I'm supposed to be having lunch with Ozzy Osbourne and instead I'm here in -" he broke off, looking around. "Where is here, anyway? What is this place?"

Angel bent down and picked up a handful of pink sand, then let it trickle through his fingers. "I don't know. This doesn't look like any hell or demon dimension I've ever known." He stood up and brushed off his jeans. "Exactly what kind of mission did you want to be on, Harmony?"

She shrugged. "We didn't really discuss the details."

Spike gave a short laugh, and they all turned to look at him. "Want to share the funny with the rest of the class?" asked Angel.

"Oh come on - just look at this place." Spike swept out an arm, indicating the flat, dusty landscape around them. "It's pink, and it's totally empty. Obviously, we're inside Harmony's head. Ow," he added as she punched him on the arm.

Lorne held up a hand. "Hold the violence there, Harmonica. In his usual sweetly tactless way, Spike might actually be onto something."

She pouted. "Meanie."

"I'm not being mean, honey. I'm just thinking that if you really didn't give the wish any specifics at all, then it probably did take shape from your subconscious."

Spike watched her warily. "Okay, Harm - think. What kind of quest would that - uh, cute little brain of yours have dreamed up while you weren't looking?"

She thought for a while. "Well, quests are always about people facing their innermost fears, aren't they? Like Indiana Jones and the snakes, or when Luke goes into that tree and fights Darth Vader and it turns out that it's really - what? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Oh, that's just great," said Spike. "So now we're stuck here in the endless desert of Harmony's spotless mind, waiting for our innermost fears to come out to play." He swung round to face her. "Harm? Just exactly what do you think our innermost fears are, anyway?"

She gave an apologetic shrug. "Well, Lorne's is easy - it's Angel."

"Huh?"

She waved a hand. "No, no, I don't mean you as such. I mean you singing."

Angel took a step backwards and clamped a hand over his mouth. "Oh, no. No way. I am _not_ singing."

Lorne nodded. "Hold that thought, Angelcakes. Just hold that thought."

"Angel's is also kinda easy."

They all looked at each other. "Angelus," said Lorne.

Harmony winced and nodded. "Sorry. And Spike's is - uh, actually I'm not sure. I guess it'd have to be -"

"Kittens," said Spike quickly.

Harmony stared at him. "You're afraid of kittens?"

"Sure I am. Nasty, er, squeaky little furballs. Brrr, terrifying." He paused. "What?" he said, at Angel's look. "We've all got our demons, right? You face off with Angelus, I'll take on a few Sootys and Fluffys. May the best man win."

Lorne looked at Harmony. "And what about you, Twinkle? Are you going to have a fear to face?"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, duh. Facing it already, aren't I?"

At their blank looks, she pointed out at the barren desert. "Do you see any clothes shops around here? I mean, I - "

Angel cut her off. "We need to get out of here."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Top marks for Captain State-The-Obvious, there. Personally, I thought we might just all sit down and have a nice chat about boob tubes."

"Boob tubes? Oh, please. No-one's worn anything like that since - "

"Harmony."

"Huh? Yes, boss?"

"Can we forget about clothes for a minute and start thinking about how we're going to get home?"

"Oh, sure. So, what's the plan?"

"I guess we start walking. Maybe somewhere down that road there'll be - " He broke off, frowning. "Somewhere - somewhere down the road - somewhere - "

"Uh oh," said Lorne. "I don't like the sound of this."

Angel was swallowing hard and pressing his lips together. Spike watched with apparent fascination. "What's biting his ass?"

Lorne closed his eyes. "I think I'm going to have the honour of facing my fear first."

"Yeah? What was - oh, shit. You mean he's going to sing?"

"Oh, it's worse than that. It sounds like he's going to sing Manilow."

Angel gave them a helpless, horrified look. _"Somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna cross again. Doesn't really matter when - "_

"Okay," said Spike. "That settles it. We definitely have to get out of here."

"I am so, so, sorry," said Harmony. "I never meant for anything like this to happen. I didn't know that girl was a vengeance demon, I swear. I never dreamt that anything like this would - "

_"Who needs to dream when there is you? "_

Spike whirled round and started walking. "Right, that's it. I'm not standing around here listening to him wailing all day. I'm off."

_"Some kind of friend you turned out to be. You said you had places that you had to be. Now who is gonna be there for me - "_

"I was never your goddamn friend to start with mate, so you can pack that one in right now and _fuck,_ I can't believe I'm arguing with Barry fucking Manilow. Harmony! This is your goddamn wish-fulfilment. You must know how to get out of it."

"I didn't want this! I just wanted to be _included,_ you know? To be in on the fun, just once. You guys get to do cool stuff all the time, but I -"

_"All the time, I thought, there's only me. Crazy in a way that no-one else could be. I would have given everything I own, if someone would have said, you're not alone - "_

"- never get to do anything but type and file and answer the phone and - "

"Okay, you know what? Seeing as how our fearless leader seems to be a bit tied up with murdering the entire Manilow back catalogue, how about you take over? Consider yourself promoted to Mission Commander."

"Ooh, really?"

"Yes. Really. You're in charge." He snapped her a mock salute. "Waiting for orders, ma'am."

She looked around. "Well, you could start by stopping Lorne trying to kill himself, I guess."

"What? Aw, fuck." Spike ran over to where Lorne was kneeling on the sand and snatched away the blunt piece of rock he was using to try and saw open his wrist.

"Hey," Spike said. "Are you reading his destiny? _Our_ destiny? Is it that bad?"

Lorne stared up at him with despair written across his face. "It's horrible," he said. "It's full of songs. Hideous, mutilated Manilow songs."

_"Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times, maybe the old lines will sound new. Maybe - "_

"What the fuck is this?"

They all jumped at the sound of another voice. A familiar voice.

Spike and Lorne looked at Angel, then at each other. "Perfect," said Spike, swinging round to face Angelus.

"Do what you like," said Lorne, tilting his head to expose his neck. "Kill me, drain me, ritually disembowel me if you want. Just please don't start singing, okay? I couldn't take it in stereo."

Angelus looked down at him with a sneer. "I don't have any intention of _singing._ Ripping your head off, though - now that just might be on the agenda."

"Fine. Do it. It'll be a blessing."

Spike reached down and put a hand on Lorne's shoulder. "Steady on there, jolly green. There's no need to roll over for this poof."

Angelus took a step forward, hands balling into fists by his side. "Is that so?"

Spike also moved forward, raising his chin defiantly. "Yeah, it is so. You don't scare me, mate. And do you know why?"

Angelus smiled coldly. "Because you're too dumb to know when you're in the presence of your master?"

Spike snorted. "You're not my master." He took another half-step forward and poked Angelus in the chest. "You, dear _boy,_ are a figment of Harmony's imagination. And where do you think she got her information about you from?" He grinned. "Me."

Angelus's hand went to his chest, where Spike's finger had been. "Ow," he said, his face crumpling. "You always _hurt_ me."

Spike laughed. "Yep. 'Cos you got a smart mouth but no bollocks, and you never were a match for me." He winked at Angel. "Nice to see some things never change, isn't it?"

He turned back to Angelus. "Now be a good boy and fuck off, okay? Before I _really_ have to hurt you."

Angelus took a step backwards, then spun round and ran. Spike whooped, and grinned at Harmony. "Nice one, Harm."

He strode back to Lorne and hauled him to his feet. "Did you see that? You know, maybe there are some advantages to being out in this weird fucking Bermuda Triangle after all."

_"Bermuda Triangle, it makes people disappear. Bermuda Triangle, don't go too near - "_

Lorne stared at Spike, frowning. "Did you just do that on purpose?"

Spike blinked at him, eyes wide. "No, of course not. Would I do something like that, knowing just how much it would embarrass and humiliate him?"

"Spike - "

"Lorne, that hurts. Here's me, fighting the good fight all over the place, and still you don't trust me. You still think I'd do something as low-down as deliberately set poor Angel off. You still think that badly of me, even now."

_"Even now, when there's someone else who cares, when there's someone home who's waiting just for me - "_

"Spike!"

"What? What? It's just coincidence, is all. Come on, I don't know any Barry Manilow songs, do I? Can't stand the bloke. If there's one voice that really gets on my nerves - "

_"One voice, singing in the darkness, all it takes is one voice -"_

Lorne turned to Harmony. "I'm begging you here, princess. For the love of all that's sacred, _do_ something."

"What am _I_ supposed to do? I don't know how to fix it! I mean, it's not like I can just wave my hand and go 'mission accomplished, now we all go home', is it? It's not that simple, I - oh." She stopped, staring at the doorway that had just materialised in front of them. "Well hey, look at that."

Without a word or backward glance, Angel began running for the door. Spike grinned. "Guess that's game over then, folks. Harm, your brain is a strange and wonderful place."

She beamed. "Why, thank you, Spike."

"Although hey, you owe me some kittens, you know. There's this guy that can get a very good price on - um - " He paused, and looked from Harmony to Lorne. "Uh, never mind."

Lorne nodded towards the doorway. "Shame it doesn't work like this in the real world, isn't it? Would be pretty nice to be able to magic up anything you wanted, just like that."

Harmony clapped her hands. "Oh, wouldn't it! How cool would it be to just be able to say 'hey, I want Kiefer Sutherland to drive up on a motorbike right now and whisk me away for - " She stopped, and all three of them turned as the sound of a roaring engine filled the air.

The Harley skidded to a halt, throwing up a cloud of pink dust, and the leather-clad rider held out a hand to Harmony. She let out a little squeal and ran for the bike.

"Bye, guys," she called out as she climbed astride it, grinning. "You know, I haven't taken any of my vacation time this year - so tell Angel I'll be back in about three weeks, okay?"

 

\- End -


End file.
